Professional Solutions for Parents (November 2006)

by Dr. Beth Greenberg

Q  My husband and I have been separated for about 10 months.  Our children are 8 and 11 years old.  When we were married, we argued all the time and our house was filled with constant tension.  Now that we're separated, we get along great!  We can talk to each other without fighting, we both attend our kids' soccer games, and we go together to the parent-teacher conferences.  Without all the fighting of the past, I thought my kids would be relieved.  Instead, they seem sad and angry much of the time.  I don't get it!  Their dad and I are clearly so much happier now....why aren't they?

A  Most children, regardless of age, want their parents to be together.  Even in those situations where there has been a history of great marital conflict and open arguing, children often report that they wish their parents would stay together.  It takes most individuals anywhere from 12 to 18 months to adjust to the losses associated with separation and divorce.  That adjustment process usually begins at the point in time when a person becomes aware that the marriage is ending.  Because the decision to separate is an adult decision, parents usually begin the grieving and adjustment process before children do.  Although you and your husband may already be at a stage where you've accepted the realities of the separation/divorce, your children are not.  In fact, they may wonder why ever separated if you're able to get along with each other so well!

It sounds like you and your husband are doing a great job co-parenting!  You are communicating and working together for the best interests of your children....keep it up!  In the long run, children whose parents are able to continue co-parenting effectively exhibit fewer difficulties with post-divorce adjustment.  In the meantime, here are some guidelines to keep in mind:

• Offer your children opportunities to talk with you about their feelings.  Validate their feelings of anger and sadness.  Provide comfort and support. 

• If they do not want to talk, provide other outlets for expression:  journals, diaries, artwork, childrens' books about divorce.  Teach and model good coping skills.

• Acknowledge their wish to reunite their parents while also reminding them that they did not cause the separation and they cannot fix it.

• Remind your children that you and their father will continue to be there for them, regardless of your marital status.  Let them know that they can still count on both of you to be there to meet their needs.

• Recognize that, while the current situation may be better for the adults, it's still a loss for the children.  Allow them the time they need to work through their own feelings and adjustment at their own pace (it may even be different for each child).

• Help your children to focus on some of the positive changes related to the separation.  It will not necessarily change their feelings about the situation, but may help them begin to look toward the future with some feelings of hope and optimism.

Remember, children do survive and thrive after parental separation and divorce, particularly if their parents remain focused on their needs and well-being. 

 

 

Beth Greenberg, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist at Jewish Family Service of Worcester, specializing in work with children, adolescents, parents and families.

To submit a question, contact Dr. Greenberg at parenting@jfsworcester.org. Please note that we are unable to post all questions submitted in this column. For additional information, or to schedule an appointment, call JFS at 508-755-3101.

Westboro Area JCC Early Childhood Link

Also check out:

Talking With Kids About Tough Issues on the web

Resources on Children in Central Mass: earlychildhoodcentral.org

 

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Jewish Federation of Central Massachusetts